In a previous Tiny Topics column, we discussed the different parenting styles and established authoritative parenting as the most ideal form with the greatest benefits compared to the other three styles.
Today, we will discuss specifics of what authoritative parenting looks like in the context of warmth and boundaries.
First, authoritative parenting is characterized by high levels of warmth and nurturing, with reinforced boundaries and expectations. Authoritative adults communicate with children in a warm, nurturing, kind and supportive way. They also respond instead of reacting to children.
Reactive communication is impulsive, emotionally charged and without thought. An adult yelling, “Stop doing that!” to a child who is banging a toy on the floor is an example of reactivity. Responding to a child, on the other hand, includes patience and controlled thought, telling the child what to do instead of what not to do.
An adult using authoritative parenting may say, “Please be gentle and take care of that toy,” in a calm tone. When appropriate, adults should also meet the child at eye level instead of standing over them.
The tone of voice and body language are both important aspect of warmth because they influence the child’s fear. When children and adults feel threatened, including being yelled at, the fight or flight system turns on so we can protect ourselves from the threat (real or perceived) and shuts down the area in our brains responsible for planning, logic, decision making and other, higher-level cognitive functions.
This means that when children feel safe, they are able to listen, process and respond to adults in a less reactive way, as well as create a secure connection between the child and adult.
The other aspect of authoritative parenting is setting firm, clear boundaries with consequences. Having boundaries and expectations for children involves deciding which behaviors are appropriate and safe in different contexts. For example, an adult may allow a child to throw a baseball outside but not inside their home.
A word of caution regarding boundaries: Some behaviors may be frustrating or annoying to adults but may not require policing. Children are curious and learn through trial and error given that they are often interacting with their world for the first time in many situations. If a child is playing with a toy or doing an activity in a way that is a bit different or nontraditional, the adult may consider allowing it as long as the child is safe and not being destructive. The key to holding boundaries is having consequences when children push the boundaries.
A consequence is just an outcome of some action to help children learn which behaviors are appropriate and which are not within certain boundaries. The most effective form of consequences is a natural consequence, in which the outcome occurs naturally and directly as a result of the behavior. For example, if someone does not eat their lunch, they may be hungry long before the next meal. This works because when the action and effect are related, the brain can more easily learn the connection between the two.
Sometimes, adults will need to create a consequence for behavior that does not have a natural consequence or is unsafe. Even when consequences are not natural, they can still work effectively if the consequence is immediately following the behavior and related to it.
A child, for example, who hits another child with a toy will need an adult to impose a consequence of taking that toy away to keep everyone safe. An ineffective consequence would be telling that same child that they won’t get ice cream after dinner because they hit another child. This consequence is unproductive because it is unrelated to the behavior and there is too much time between what the child did and the outcome of that action, making the cause-and-effect relationship difficult for the brain to identify.
As an authoritative parent, having consistent and clear boundaries with enforced consequences imposed warmly and kindly can reduce power struggles, help manage behavior, maintain a secure relationship between adults and children, and so much more.